Dear Class of 2015,

If there is one thing that I wish someone would have said to me back when I was graduating high school, it would have been, “Just sleep on it!” … a pillow I mean. Always, always sleep on a pillow.

No one ever warned me of the repercussions of not using a pillow. Consequently, I woke up many mornings with excruciating back pain because I passed out with no pillow after a long night of … work.

Speaking of work, avoid that as best as you can. If you must work, don’t work hard. Seriously. Oftentimes I am credited with my efficient, multi-tasking abilities. Seems like a great trait to have, right? Wrong. The truth is that I’m far too lazy to unnecessarily waste my energy.

Speaking of waste, do not ever waste food. There are starving kids in … well, I’m sure your mom told you all about those kids, too. If you, like me, despise leftovers, feed them to your dog. Dogs will eat anything that you put in front of them. Ha ha, just kidding about that! My dog eats only the absolute highest quality of whatever dog food is on sale.

Speaking of sales, they’re a trap! You don’t really have to buy 32 gallons of milk to get that discount. Buying one will get you the same discount per item. Please don’t buy all 32 gallons thinking that you have to, only to feed the expired 31 gallons to your dog the following week.

Kidding again! Dogs should never have expired milk unless there is no dog food on sale. Only then is it somewhat acceptable.

Speaking of acceptable, nothing is acceptable anymore. Everyone is offended by everything. Good luck. Old people like me remember when people weren’t offended by everything. Take that last sentence for example. Someone will e-mail me a three-page essay on how offended they are by my assumption that people are offended by everything. They will start the essay out as, “I’m not easily offended, but … ”

Speaking of the ever popular “I’m not *such and such*, but … ” this statement is always a lie. If there is a “but” involved, it totally negates the first part of the sentence. Keep that in mind anytime you hear someone say, “I’m not —, but … ” For example, if someone says, “I’m not a bad driver, but … ” they are a bad driver. Every day.

Speaking of bad drivers, do NOT ever trust that people will use their turn signal powers responsibly. Wait until they are actually turning to believe their blinker. I once saw a Sequim resident (go figure) who had their right blinker on in the middle of the Hood Canal Bridge. This was silly for many reasons, but especially because everyone knows that only left-hand plunges off the side of that bridge are allowed.

Anyway, I’m not one of those annoying adults who always gives unwanted advice BUT … these are the things I have learned since my graduation 100 years ago. I hope my advice serves you well.

And in all seriousness, congratulations!!!