In the history of road rage, there has never been a tailgatee who sped up due to being tailgated. It has never happened. Joe Slow (see what I did there?), has never said to himself, “Gee whiz, that nice fella back there sure is driving close. I should probably speed up a bit.” No. Realistically, Joe Slow says to himself, “…”

well, I cannot use the real words that he says to himself because they are not family friendly. What I can tell you is that no one ever speeds up when they are tailgated.

Despite this COMMON KNOWLEDGE, the tailgaters of the world continue to tailgate everyone not going the speed they need to go to get to their destination 37 seconds sooner. I don’t tailgate because I despise tailgaters, especially the huge new truck which skipped three perfectly acceptable passing zones the other day to continue on with his tailgating hobby.

My despisement (which surprisingly is a real word, but doesn’t sound like it should be) is not due to being the proud owner of a nice car either. To be honest, my not-so-gently-used Nissan probably would be better off after a nice rear-ending. It has seen better days. As for my husband’s ginormous steel death machine of a truck, it would take a lot to merely dent that thing.

Side note: Shortly after my recent column making fun of my husband’s truck, it broke down. My husband’s co-workers are trying to start a vicious rumor that I did something to make it break down, but this is absolutely not true. There is no evidence of any wrongdoing on my part. At this point, what difference does it make? As old as it is, I’m sure that it’s going to break down daily anyway.

As I was saying, my despisement is not due to my cars, but is due to being the proud owner of three little people. Three little people who are far more important to me than any tailgater getting anywhere a few seconds faster … and let’s be honest, that’s the amount of time saved, at best. In my defense, I’ll pull over if I can, but if you skip perfectly acceptable passing zones, I’m not losing any sleep at night for you. Well, I’m not losing sleep either way because of the simple fact that since I have three little people, I sleep whenever I can.

Anyway, what I’m getting at here is that there are little people in the backseats of many cars. Backseats, as in, where the most damage will be done to the car you are tailgating, which is not going to speed up either way. I don’t know any judges personally, but they probably don’t go lightly on tailgating which results in little people being hurt.

That’s just my two cents. Take your chances if you must. Maybe you’ll be the first ever tailgater to get someone to speed up. Probably not though.

Sincerely,

Joe Slow (with three really cute little people in the backseat)

I can be reached at christyrasmussen@yahoo.com.