By Christy Rasmussen-Ford

I went to a dermatologist in Pittsburgh a few years ago.

After the very awkward strip search (basically), the doctor sat me down for my results.

“You have extensive sun damage.”

Wha?

I didn’t tell her where I was from to start with. The conversation probably would have gone down a different path.

“You have the skin of someone much older,” she told me. “Have you spent your life in an area with a lot of sun?”

All I could do was smirk.

“Quite the opposite actually,” I said. “I’ve spent my life in an area with no sun.”

She was puzzled. That made two of us.

I can’t imagine anyone from Forks having extensive sun damage.

“So you’ve been to the tanning bed a lot?”

Is this woman for real? Is she even looking at my ghostly white skin? I make Casper look golden brown.

“Ummm … no. I don’t prefer to spend my money so I can get that cute lobster look.”

Her puzzled look continued.

“Well, I don’t know how you got this damage then, but you definitely need to start taking better care of your skin and make regular appointments with me.”

AHA!

It’s all making sense now.

No sun damage (which I should have) = no reoccurring patients = no money. There’s a reason that there are no dermatologists in Forks.

They wouldn’t be profitable here.

A little while after that, I went to see an optometrist. She checked me out and showed me some yellow spots on my eyes.

“These are from extensive sun damage.” she said.

What is it with these people?

I explained for the second time to a doctor what the weather is like where I come from.

For the second time, I was thrown back the tanning bed scenario.

Wrong again.

Then she explained that sometimes cloudy weather is worse than straight sunlight.

“When it’s overcast, a person can get just as much sun damage.”

Look lady, Forks doesn’t even have that.

There is no sun.

There is no sun peeking through the clouds. The sun boycotts us altogether. We have rain. That’s it. On a good year, maybe some snow.

It is pretty odd for me to have extensive sun damage.

You would think extensive sun damage requires extensive sun.

I’m from a place with extensive rain.

Extensive rain damage (maybe webbed feet?) – that I could buy and I would be willing to spend my money getting treatment for this damage.

I will avoid going out in the rain at all times without my rain screen. I will wear my rain-proof hats. I will even buy an umbrella to protect my skin from the rain.

However, I just cannot see spending money for extensive sun damage treatment.

I barely know what sun is … and only because I’ve seen it on movies and television.

Before cable, I’m thinking the people of Forks thought of sun as an imaginary concept … made up by people who partook in recreation drugs too much.

One thing is for sure, anyone from Forks who has extensive sun damage probably should seek a second opinion.